My Immortal
by Spinny
Summary: (Future)When Miranda moves away and Gordo finds someone Lizzie is alone and falls so deep inside of herself that there's only one person who can bring her back. Rating for dark themes and depression. L/G


My Immortal  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time can not erase  
  
Part One She stared into the mirror at her reflection. She didn't know this girl starting back at her. She wasn't happy with what she saw, a blonde girl with blue eyes clouded by misery. She didn't know why. Sure she was sixteen, single. It was almost like, she was alone in the world, without anything. Miranda had moved to New Mexico permanently but that had been two years ago. She still spoke to Miranda all the time and they faithfully wrote to one another at least once a month. Still she felt like she didn't know who she was anymore.  
  
Her normally funky wardrobe was reduced to jeans and plain sweatshirts and she usually just pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Make up was foreign to her. Her parents had noticed this change in her and had sent her to a psychologist for a while. That didn't work; she'd spent most of her time just staring at the old man, memorizing the lines on his face. She probably new his face better than he knew it himself. When she didn't change her parents stopped sending her and sometimes she would catch them murmuring to one another in hushed tones about depression.  
  
She couldn't pull out of it, the funk. Gordo had become a bit worried but then he started to date a girl named Jennifer who didn't like Lizzie very much at all. In fact, she spent most of her time trying to keep Lizzie and Gordo apart. So Lizzie spent most of her lunch hours sitting in the back of the library and listening to rock music on her MP3 player. That month's letter to Miranda started with a song lyric she'd heard, I'm so tired of being here. And she was.  
  
Sometimes she couldn't take living anymore. She was so alone, she'd lost Miranda and now Gordo was fading into the wood work. The world had turned into a colourless dirge and nothing seemed to matter to her anymore. She felt like nothing. She was emotionless on the outside, but she was empty inside. There was nothing left for her anymore. Sighing she picked up her pen and began to compose the letter to Miranda.  
  
Dear Miranda I'm so tired of being here.  
  
Sometimes I can't even bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I've lost Gordo to some brunette bimbo who doesn't deserve him and now I feel like I have nothing. I've lost myself and I'm afraid I can't be me anymore. I wish you were here so much, I just feel so alone and so dead inside. I want to cry and cry and never stop. Then I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.  
  
Sometimes I feel like leaving and never coming back. I feel like if I could just end it all I would because I can't feel anymore at all. I wish I still had Gordo. I feel so bad that I was never there for him and now he's moved on and found someone that he can share those moments with. I wish that I had Rome with him again, right over again. I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. I wouldn't have done things so badly.  
  
I don't know what this letter is, I don't know what I might do so if something does happen I love you, you are the best friend I could ever ask for. And you mean the world and a half to me.  
  
Love Lizzie  
  
She reread the paper and she felt her eyes begin to well up. Sighing picked up the letter and brought it with her into her room. She looked at her watch and swore. She was running late. Pulling on the same pair of jeans as yesterday she stuffed the letter into her pocked and hurried out of the house, down the block towards her high school. She reached her seat in homeroom just as the bell was ringing. Her marks had been horrible lately, mostly because all she could bring herself to do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes she'd play slow piano music while she just stared at the ceiling. Sometimes she'd sit in silence and ignore everything that went on around her.  
  
She'd lost 15 pounds from not eating. It wasn't like she was starving herself, she just wasn't ever hungry. Looking beside her she noticed Gordo staring at her. "What?" She asked. He shrugged and turned back to his work. She lay her head down on the desk. It was at that point she knew, she'd lost Gordo. He wasn't going to come back this time.  
  
At lunch she sat in the back of the library reading the letter over and over again. She wanted to go, she couldn't take this anymore. Still the letter, she was scaring herself. She couldn't look at it anymore.  
  
Taking the letter she folded it in half and pressed it between two books and hurried away from it. It was almost class time anyway.  
  
Part Two  
  
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
Gordo trudged up the steps to his house. Jennifer had just dumped him. She'd said they'd been going out for too long. It was almost like she didn't care about him, never really had cared about him. He let himself into the house and sat down in front of the computer. He logged onto his email account and found that he'd received an email from Miranda. Gordo, What's going on with Lizzie? That last letter I got from her was six weeks ago and she sounds really depressed. I tried calling her but there isn't an answer, I'm really worried about her. Miranda.  
  
Gordo sighed. Lizzie, she'd been deteriorating in front of his eyes for the past three months, slowly falling. He'd tried to help her, bring her back to exsistence. Then he'd gotten Jennifer. He'd been a fool. He'd thrown away their friendship because his girlfried had asked him too. His best friend, and he'd tossed her too the side. He couldn't believe himself.  
  
Especially now, when she needed him the most. He sighed and logged off his email account without sending a reply. He left his house and walked across the street and rang the doorbell. Matt answered the door. "Is Lizzie home?" He asked to little kid. "She's in her room, you can go up." Matt answered walking away from the entrance way and into the kitchen. Gordo closed the door gently behind him and looked up the stairs. He took in a deep breath and walked towards her bedroom door. He knocked on the door. There was no answer. He knocked again. Still there was no answer.  
  
Glancing around he opened the door to her room and there she was. She was lying on her bead in sweat pants her hair in a large knot on top of her head. "Hey Liz." he said taking a step towards her bed. He'd grown quite a bit taller and she seemed so much smaller lying down in front of him. She'd didn't even look at him.  
  
"She dumped you didn't she." Lizzie said her face dark staring at the wall.  
  
"Yes." He said, ashamed that he'd only come talking to her now.  
  
"Get out." She said, not angry or accusatory, just sad. She was sad.  
  
"Liz.." he began. He didn't really know what to say. What could he say to a friend who was shutting him out. Sighing her look at her pleadingly but she still faced the wall.  
  
"Get out." She said again, this time a little louder.  
  
He sighed and turned to leave. He longed to just take her into his arms and not let her go. He wanted her back as a friend, as anything. He just wanted Lizzie again. The way things had been last year, that was amazing. Then he'd left for the summer for Film Camp. When he'd returned she'd been depressed. He'd tried to get her to get out, they would go out for lunch a lot and watch movies at his house but it was a one sided friendship. She'd stopped trying and he'd gotten frustrated with her. But now, he realized how badly he'd hurt her, and more so, himself.  
  
Part Three Final Answer  
  
Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change  
  
Look down at the water  
  
Before I jump in  
  
To find I was sinking fast, in all the might have been  
  
After Gordo's visit Lizzie felt tears dripping out of the corners of her eyes. She couldn't take this. She wanted to run after him and throw herself into his arms and just cry. But she couldn't bring herself to move. As always she had crippled herself by her own thoughts. The next thing she knew she was picking up a piece of paper and adding to the letter.  
  
Dear Miranda,  
I don't know how much more of this I can take. Gordo just stopped by, I think he wants to be friends again but I can't seem to bring myself to let him in again. There's just too much in my head. What bothered my the most was that he only started talking to me after his girl fried ditched him. I can't take him back, not after he just let me go like fifteen years meant nothing to him.  
In a way I think this might be good bye. I've been thinking about it too much lately, I have to do something, I can't live here anymore. Love always Lizzie  
  
Again after she'd written these words she wished she hadn't. She was scaring herself. She tucked the letter into her pocked and climbed into bed. She closed her eyes and fell asleep. The next morning she woke up early. Today was the day. She was happy, almost excited. It was a strange feeling and exhilarating. She waited until her parents left for work and stole the capsule of sleeping pills that belonged to her father. He didn't use them anymore. Tucking them into her school bag she left for school and got their early. She didn't feel like going to class so once again she returned to the solace of the back of the library.  
  
She slid down between the two bookcases and pulled the letter out, combining them into one huge good bye letter. She wasn't sure what to do next. She left them on the ground beside her and pulled out two fresh sheets of looseleaf paper. The bell had just rung. She was hidden away in the back of the library enough so that no one would see that she was skipping class. She uncapped her pen and began to write on the paper.  
  
Dear Gordo,  
  
I don't know what to say to you, I mean what do you say to your old best friend? I am alone. I have been alone for so long that I don't even know what I am anymore. There's a huge hole inside of me that keeps getting bigger and bigger everyday and pretty soon I'll be empty. There's nothing that can stop me I guess, not even you. Don't try Gordo. Love Always Lizzie.  
  
She sighed. She would miss him so much, so much. She loved him. Suddenly she saw him standing at the end of the row of books, just staring at her. She slid the letters under the book shelves and stood up. Without looking at him she gathered her things and walked past him wordlessly. "Lizzie please.." he said but she didn't say anything and headed to class. She was numb and couldn't do anything right now.  
  
Part Four  
  
Gordo wasn't stupid. As soon as she didn't show up for class he knew where she was. He faked a stomach ache and had slipped out of homeroom heading to the library. He had a spare the period after homeroom so after she left he walked to where she'd been sitting and felt under the bookshelf. She thought she was slick enough to slip whatever she'd been writing under the bookshelf. But he'd seen.  
  
He felt the paper under his finger tips and slipped it out. Picking it up he realized it was a letter to Miranda. He contemplated putting it down for a moment and figured it was in Lizzie's best interest that he read it.  
  
The Letter scared him. It scared him even more than ever. He was afraid to look at the next sheet of paper because he didn't want to see it. He knew what it was and who is was for. Taking a deep breath his fear was corrected.  
  
It was what he expected.  
  
Lizzie was a lot smarter than he'd expected. When she'd seen him she'd blatanly hidden the letters knowing that he would get his and he would eventually give Miranda hers. Because she didn't plan on delivering them herself. Panic rose within him and he ran out of the library, the letters clutched in his hands. She had English now, and he bolted into her class room without knocking. "Where's Lizzie?" He demanded. The Mr. Dew just looked at him. "She's in the bathroom. What's going on?" He asked. Gordo just gave him a look. Mr. Dew understood and nodded. "GO."  
  
Gordo went. He ran to the nearest bathroom and found her there with her book bag. Without saying anything he just wrapped his arms around her. She didn't return his hug but she didn't resist it either. "Don't do it." He said into her hair, over and over again as they rocked back and forth. "Please Lizzie, you mean so much to me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." Suddenly she was hugging him back and he felt tears drip into his shirt. It didn't matter to him anymore, nothing mattered but her.  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me He whispered these words into her ear and she looked at him, tears glistened on her face. "That's from the song." She said. He nodded and brought his sleeve up to her eyes wiping the tears from her cheeks.  
  
"Promise you'll never leave me." He whispered staring down at this girl who had once seemed so intimidating to him, so bold and outgoing. She'd drawn him in like a magnet and now he was holding her so tightly because he was afraid that if he didn't she would slip away, just like she'd been in the past months. He hated that she was hesitating, that she wouldn't promise him. She bit her lip and stared up at him whispering the two words that he wanted to hear so badly. "I promise."  
  
Part Five  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But you're still with me  
  
Lizzie never wanted to leave the safety of his embrace. It felt so good to be held by her best friend. Her best friend Gordo. She wasn't the same person, neither was he, but they were still friends. She looked up into his deep brown eyes and stared into them. They looked familiar, a liitle worried and a little more loving than usual but they were his eyes. It felt good. She shifted a little closer to his face, starting straight at him, into him. He just looked back at her. She didn't know how long they stayed like that but there wasn't a world around them.  
  
Eventually the bell rang and people flooded the bathroom so the pair was forced to leave. "Are you hungry?" He asked not allowing his arm to stray from around her back. He cared about her so much that if hurt. She shook her head, no, and he steered her outside to a grassy hill. They sat down together in the grass and he reached his arms around her, cradling her small body against his. They lay there together face to face in the grass.  
  
There was deep sadness in her eyes. It ran deep throughout her, he could tell. It was going to take a long time to get the old Lizzie back, if it was possible. "How can I make you happy?" He asked quizzically. He needed to know, because right now he would do anything to see her smile.  
  
"Just be you Gordo," she replied and he could tell the corners of her mouth turned up slightly at the idea.  
  
"I make you happy?" He asked digesting the idea. He made her happy, just being himself. He didn't have to do anything, take her anywhere.  
  
"Of course you do." She replied feeling his hands that grasped her and loosening there grip so it was deathly. He noticed that he was kind of pinching her and relaxed his hands. He'd never actually thought about it before.  
  
"Then why were you so sad, in the summer?" He asked, it was a good question because he wasn't sure if she knew the answer to it.  
  
"I have no idea. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to move forward." She replied flipping onto her back and staring up at the sky. "I just want to forget."  
  
"Okay." He replied, not really sure what she meant. He was an understanding type of guy. The sun was getting hot. He stared at her, how beautiful she was. He'd always noticed and he'd loved her for fifteen long years. Then he met Jennifer who was everything different from Lizzie. She was dark, vivacious and sophisticated. The only problem with that relationship, he'd realized, was that they never had fun. Not the same kind of fun he had with Lizzie. The goofy fun, the stupid fun.  
  
But he'd made his choice back then, when she'd gone into her funk. Now he was going to be the best friend he could be and avoid letting his feelings come to surface. Because that would probably ruin everything.  
  
Part Six  
  
I'm there for you, no matter what. I'm there for you, never giving up.  
  
Lizzie stared at Gordo as he drove them to the movies a week later. For the first time in months, she was happy. She wasn't the same person but she felt like she was coming back to earth. She started to care more, about her appearance, even homework. It was strange because now not only was she happy to be around Gordo it was almost like she was addicted to him.  
  
She had to be around him, always. They ate lunch together everyday, and everyday he would drive her home or they'd do homework together. She loved him, she new she loved him like a brother. But she couldn't be without him. She loved the way his brown eyes were always so full of light and laughter, she loved the way his hair curled in front of him eyes and shagged around his entire head. She loved his melodic laugh, the laugh that only the two of them shared together. She loved the his tall lanky body and the way he'd grown up but was still the same Gordo as always.  
  
She loved him. She loved his lips, she wanted to kiss them. This feeling was foreign to her, as she sat next to him in the car, the smell of his cologne diffused in the air around her, creating an aroma that she loved almost as much as she loved him. "Gordo," she began as he slowed the car down at a stop light. She had to do this, just get it out. She felt that if she did, she could be herself, fully. That she could come full circle and be back again. "Turn right."  
  
He obeyed and turned into the right lane swinging the car around. "I thought we were going to the movies." He asked sounding a bit confused.  
  
"We will, maybe can we go to a later show? I want to talk to you. Turn Left." She said, breathlessly. She couldn't believe what she was about to do.  
  
Gordo of course, followed her instructions and pulled over a few minutes later. She got out of the car and stood at the edge of a Valley Lookout, staring at the sunset that splashed as a backdrop to this huge bomb that she was about to drop. "Gordo, I love you." She said quickly.  
  
"I love you too Liz, you know that." He said, looking a little bit confused at what she was about to do.  
  
"No, Gordo, I don't just love you, I'm in love with you."  
  
Silence. She couldn't take the silence she closed her eyes. She heard him breathe outwards and all of a sudden, pressure on her lips. Sparks made her open her eyes, to this kiss, to this love. To her best friend Gordo. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back because at that moment she was happy again. And she was Lizzie McGuire again. Best fried of Gordo, Miranda and in love.  
  
The End  
  
An: This is a one parter. All of the lyrics belong to Evanescence and The Calling. 


End file.
